You Give and Take Away

On Monday this is the post I left as my Facebook status...

God is so good and merciful in ways that we don't always understand, but we have to hold on to the fact that He is always in control. Last week He chose to bring our sweet baby (#3) home to be with Him. It has been hard and difficult, but we have to cling to the fact that He says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD..." Our lives are not our own, but His, and He has orchestrated every part of it. Thank you all for your calls and prayers over the last couple of days. We have definitely felt them. God is still good.

This last week has definitely been one of the hardest in my life. Last Wednesday I began having some complications so I went to the doctor to make sure everything was okay and what they found was not what I wanted to hear. By looking at the ultrasound they couldn't find the baby anywhere.  Dr. Chawla said that it meant one of two things. One, I was earlier than they thought and the baby just wasn't developed enough to see on the ultrasound, or two, I was in the midst of having a miscarriage. I have to tell you when I first heard the news I was in shock just sitting there in a gaze. It wasn't until I got to the car that I completely lost it. Was I really losing my baby?

After that it was 5 days of sitting and waiting to find out exactly what was going on. They took blood work on Wednesday and Friday to see if my hcg levels were rising or falling but we wouldn't hear the results until Monday.  I can't tell you how God comforted and blessed me over the weekend. It was so, so hard to just sit, be still, and wait. What I began to see was that before I even knew what was going on God began to prepare my heart for this time. Below is the email I sent to our small group explaining God's goodness over the weekend...

Small group family,

I wanted to thank you so much for your prayers over the last couple of days. It has been very tough but we have definitely felt your prayers. I continue to cling to Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God had already began to work in my heart earlier this week with the verses Jake had asked us to bring to group on Tuesday night. The verses I had meditated on were Philippians 4:4-7, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Those verses have been so good for my heart as we wait to find out the results of our tests. I went in again this morning for blood work but we won't know the results until Monday. For those of you who don't know what is going on I went into the doctor on Wednesday but they could not find the baby on the ultrasound. There could be two reasons for this. One, I am not as far along as they thought so the baby is not developed enough to see or two, I have had an early stage miscarriage.

I cannot tell you how good God has already been in this. I have had my hard days but I am continually reminded how good God is and how much he has blessed our family. Only he knows what is best for our sweet baby.

We haven't told many people about this other than family and our small group family until we hear the results of the test on Monday. We covet your prayers this weekend as we wait to hear the results of the test. The waiting is the hardest and I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who has loved me so well through this. You men would be proud of him.

I am so thankful for each of you and your sweet emails and phone calls of encouragement. They have really ministered to me more than you will know. We will do our best to let you know the results on Monday when we find out.

Love you all, Ashley

Since the beginning of this trial I have definitly had good moments and bad moments. Sometimes I will be comepletly fine and then the next thing I know I am wallowing in my own tears. What I have come to realize is that God is sufficent and He will provide the comfort we need as we face these trials. On Monday, when I received the phone call that we had lost our baby I can't tell you how I felt. It was like this overwhelming peace. My baby was okay. My baby was in Jesus arms and loved more than I could ever love my own child. It's been tough everyday since then, but I can honestly say that I'm okay. I will probably have moments for the rest of my life when I think of my sweet baby but one day we WILL meet again. : ) I have faith in that.

On Sunday at church the praise team sang the song Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman.  The song was exactly what I needed to hear and was such a blessing to my heart.

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I have been so thankful for husband through this. He has been so good to me and there for me through everything. He has loved me well and taken time to be there as we move through the healing process together. He has done so well explaining things to Emma Claire in ways that she can understand and have faith that God is still good. He has been a ROCK for our family.

I am also so thankful for all of the love and support we have gotten from our family and friends. It means more than they will every know and we love them all so much!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26